Here we are in May and our focus returns to the task at hand. We’ve written a glut of worded wonder and have a strong base upon which to build. Now, we will resume the learning process and there is an exciting experiment I have planned in the coming months. Congratulations to all poets who finished their chosen challenge(s), who even attempted to maintain an interest in the poetic process. No matter your skill level or age, you have shown your devotion to poetry and we applaud and thank you!
Thank you also to the poets who featured their April poems here at PHOENIX RISING POETRY GUILD. It was good to see the activity continue here!
Since we’ve worked through a month of brain wracking poetics, I’ll start us off with an exploration of words.
Choose a poem you’ve written in the past, or more recently for the April challenge and replace words with their synonym equivalents and see how (or if) it changes the timber, meter, sound or meaning of the poem. Maybe use opposite (antonym) words and write the contrary poem. Include the original poem for comparison is you wish. Either way, let’s take the momentum of April and continue to celebrate poetry and our poetic lives.
Welcome Back, and RISE UP!
[…] can find the original poem here. The “revised” version is in response to Phoenix Rising Guild prompt to replace words in a poem with its […]
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Fun, and I think that Kisses however you take them, lead to a lot of memories. 🙂
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MISTY – The above is in reply to your offerings. Got lost on the way to and back from your web. 🙂
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My original poem were a set of hy(na)ku based on beautifully-sounding words paired with how they felt when I said each word. I chose to do a negation version of the poem.
https://proudmommaofgirls.wordpress.com/2015/05/03/incomplete-division-a-negation-poem/
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Well done, you inspire me to do some hy(na)kus again. They are fun.
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Resurrecting Demons
Tell me, please, just how to curb
The sneering voices, once entombed
Too-soon exhumed to taunt / disturb.
(My original poem “Bury an Angel” is here: http://picturedwords.me/2015/05/01/bury-an-angel/ )
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I get the feeling that this poem is not just part of a poetic exercise. This poem and the one that preceded it have an aura of agony about them that is almost palpable. I am sorry for the pain that caused them both.
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Thank you William. Yes, both are separate-yet-very-real situations.
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William is right and I, too, am so sorry for your friend.
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Both are powerful, Marie!
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Thank you!
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So much said in so few word. Good to be back reading (even the sad) words you share.
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Thank you, MMT. 🙂
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Marie, your titles were perfect fits to each exquisite poem. So sad.
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“Bury an Angel” and “Resurrecting Demons” — both are chilling.
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Thank you!
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There was such a tenderness to “Bury an Angel.” This one is indeed its opposite. Powerful stuff, ma’am, and outside your usual wheelhouse. Well done.
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I was deeply touched by the original and now by this. Yes, both are powerful!
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Thank you so much!
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https://swimspoems.wordpress.com/2015/05/03/a-restless-night/
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I like both poems, albeit the second sounds like a good argument for some buttermilk before going to bed on Hallowe’en.
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Some clarification is in order: by “second” I meant the second one you wrote.
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I did understand what you meant but is that an old wives’ tale that buttermilk gives you sweet dreams?
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The contrast between the two is awesome, Debi…I enjoyed both versions.
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For sure, both well done, but I’ll go for the “Sweet Dreams” any night. 🙂
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Quite the contrasting images! I think I should try antonyms for a second try.
(Also – I’ll add, here, that I replied to your comment on my poem–but I didn’t have a way to reply to it directly, so it’s somewhere down the thread.)
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I like! I prefer the second one, of course. Don’t we all just want sweet dreams?
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BLACK HOLE
All darkness
flows
toward foresight.
STAR BRIGHT
All that light
comes
from looking back.
I attempted a piku negating an earlier one, the second shown here. This exercise is a mind-stretcher.
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Brilliant, William!
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For sure (mind-stretcher) but you stretched very nicely. Good job, WmP
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Yes, brilliant. (My brain has a hard time stretching that far.)
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I agree. A mind-stretcher. Well put. And well stretched. I love both of these.
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These are outstanding, William.
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The two, side-by-side = perfect! Just perfect!
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Brilliant -you nailed this.
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Absolutely!
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“Grappling thoughts is wayward specters” – well said, well imagined.
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Leave out, don’t feel
hurried specters
uprooted from space.
Fantasies of people,
delusions of places,
ghost of the past,
mystic pessimisms.
Brush off – all-day,
all-times
grappling thoughts
of wayward specters.
* Original from about ten years ago…
* Reach out again to feel
lingering memories
set back in time.
Memories of people,
memories of places,
memories of the past.
Dreams and hopes for the future.
Reach out today – any day –
anytime to feel again –
to hold again – the memories.
—Be back later to read and comment.
got’a run. 🙂
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Well done! I’m enjoying this challenge Walt presented. Having both poems to see the changes in content, wording, thought … so much fun, and so much to learn from!
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For sure Marie – Made me evaluate what was written, and was a reminder that I always need to look, hear and see what is written.
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The brevity brings power, I think.
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I agree about brevity. For me, though, the chime of “memories” makes the original more memorable.
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Thank you Hannah, I like the quick 🙂 Ned to get back into more writing especially the short from we learned in the Garden.
Yes, WmP, I tend to prefer the first one too. 🙂 I like to go for positive, but interesting exercise to ‘see’ the switch.
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Really nice contrast here, Marjory. Changing words make such a difference.
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I was surprised at the change, did not at first think it would ‘work’.
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I like the similarities and contrasts here. 🙂
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Love both versions.
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Hey, it’s good to be back writing with you all.
This was a fun exercise. I am definitely going to look over any poems I submit for publication and make sure I’m using the most interesting and appropriate words. The first poem is the original. The second one is with synonyms. I’ll probably end up with something between the two for the final draft.
In the Moment
When You gently urge me
to act, go, give,
instead of seeing
the tangled briars in my way,
I need to look
for that opening,
believing if You called me
You made a way,
and take those steps of faith.
Lord, work in my heart
that I can discern Your Voice
and be ready to obey
in the moment.
Not making excuses,
procrastinating,
or looking back,
like Lot’s wife,
but go forth as Abraham.
In the Twinkling
When You tenderly exhort me
to move, function, contribute,
and replace the vision
of jumbled briars in my path,
I crave to scout
for that gate,
trusting that if You requested me
You provided a road,
and proceed in confidence.
Lord, control the core of my being
that I’m able to detect Your Spirit
and be prepared to follow
in a flash.
Not protesting,
putting You off,
or lingering,
like Lot’s wife,
but advance as Abraham.
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Beautiful and prayerful.
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Connie, I like the first version, but I LOVE the second. A definite improvement, IMHO.
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I’ll bet a few clergy would like to buy both of these.
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I like the simplicity of the first, Connie. The second is still good but not as childlike in its tone.
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There are some wonderful phrases in each. The truth comes through in both and I hope you will share the final copy once you have written it. 🙂
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I agree, Connie, that the finished piece (and peace) will fall somewhere in between. Well done.
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[…] – RETURN OF THE PHOENIX – USE YOUR WORDS – Choose a poem you’ve written in the past, or more recently for the April challenge and […]
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Thank you, for this excellent idea, Walt…I always enjoy reworking poems into new creations. :)’s to all rising in the guild!!
Memo from the Meadow (a tanka)
Meadow has broken
look – land whispers audibly
a gem-green question…
will you be concerned for field
like you’d be for your own flesh?
Copyright © Hannah Gosselin 2015
And this is the poem I worked from…
Message from the Sea (a tanka)
Ocean has spoken
listen – sea speaks truth clearly
a pink-coral plea –
will you care deeply for me
like you would for your own blood?
Copyright © Hannah Gosselin 2015
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Nice spin on this, Sweet Hannah! I do like the original Sea one best though.
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Thank you, Marie!! ♥
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❤
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For me, these are of a piece: love of creation. I have no favorite, but love them both.
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Yes. That’s our Sweet Hannah Nature Girl! ❤
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Thank you, William…I’m so glad you enjoyed these! 🙂
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These work in tandem… I think they should always be together.
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I love that idea, Debi…and you’ve inspired me to take that idea a step further…a couple more tanka stanzas like this to create an entire poem. 🙂
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I love when that happens!
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Beautiful, as always, but I am more drawn to the ocean which is such a part of me.
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Thank you, Marjory – I feel that way about the ocean, too.
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Love broken/spoken, especially, Hannah.
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Oh, good! I’m glad you like that, De…I carried that rhyme scheme and placement through-out the poem that evolved from this. 🙂
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Love both sea and meadow. Hard to choose…
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Yes, I agree…so much to love about both places. I’m glad you enjoyed, Nurit! Thank you. 🙂
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This poem falls flat with synonyms.
Original:
Fourth of July, 1776 . . .
America became an infant
country. We grew,
we prospered too, yet at times
I wonder–if the country’s
thunder had not burst in air–
what it might be like now.
What of our phrases, spellings,
medical care, and space travel
to the moon? Why, our national
anthem would be a different tune.
Using synonyms:
Fourth of July, 1776 . . .
United States became a baby
homeland. We matured,
we flourished as well, yet,
at times I ponder if the mother-
land’s bellow had not erupted
in air–what if might be like now.
What of our expressions, connotations,
medical concerns, and space journeys
to the moon? Why, our public
spiritual would be a different
melody.
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Oh, yes. Definitely the original, for me. I was trying to envision if I had seen only the revision: I’m sure it would have impressed me as something to ponder and creatively penned. But I LOVE the original! Makes me realize how important the word choices really are.
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I thought it was a good exercise in word choices as well.
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“Falls flat” is right; the second version is almost funny, in my opinion.
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That’s what I thought, too!
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The first for sure but I do love the last line in the second.
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Hi Penny, two great poems. I am drawn somehow more to the second one.
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Interesting to go back and read the other responses after writing mine. 🙂
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I do like “baby homeland.” 😉
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So interesting to see the differences. Also, interesting for me to see that sometimes the original is just great as is. Yours definitley is!
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It’s really inspiring to see these and to compare line for line…you made this look easy, Sara and I like the choices you made.
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Here is my original and my attempt at this challenge
music filters through
my days in the reveille
of the waking sun
soft wind humming in my ear
the moon’s peaceful call of taps
—————-
notes rain down on
me daily through the
trumpet call of morning
gentle susurration of a breeze
a moonbeams gentle lullaby
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I like them both. I think some words, such as “lullaby” instead of “call of taps,” are more universal than others.
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The first for sure but I do love the last line in the second.
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Sorry – I misplaced my comment……………. I like your original best though the second is lovely. Maybe it is because of4-H camp memories but I love the inclusion of reveille and taps.
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I like them both, and for fun I read them together line for line (a1, b1 a2,b2 a3,b3) and like the result.
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I never would have thought of that! What fun. Thanks.
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Cool. I tried it, and I like it that way too. Both versions are a pleasant read, Candy.
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Both beautiful. 🙂
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Like them both, and can envision a combination.
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START OF UNHAPPINESS
(a shadorma)
Settled in
her shade, I observe
brightness and
lush pastures
as the land about me is
empty and barren.
The original, from Day 26 of PAD:
DAWN OF DISCONTENT
(a shadorma)
Standing in
her shadow, I see
sunshine and
greener grass
while the ground around me lies
fallow and frozen.
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I am drawn to the “Standing…” , but mentally switch the last line to “…empty and barren.”
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Marjory – my original intent was to use “barren”, but the original poem was also accompanied by a photo that showed snow…so I stayed with “frozen” and picked another “f” word to go with it…here’s the posting on my blog: https://whenwordsescape.wordpress.com/2015/04/26/dawn-of-discontent/
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Though both are excellent, I tend to agree with Marjory. The first, with settled in, seems hopeless but the second, standing in, does give a glimmer of hope that things can change.
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I like “settled,” “lush” and “fallow and frozen.” But each of these is descriptive and brings emotion to the table effectively. EXCELLENT with shadorma, as always! ❤
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It was a bit of a challenge to identify synonyms that not only conveyed what I wanted to, but that also stayed within the shadorma syllable count.
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No doubt! Good job!!
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Maybe it’s because this little form places greater demand on word choices than longer poems do, but I was startled by the different images the two poems created. Both are masterful, in my opinion.
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Thanks, William…in pairing the poem(s) with the photograph as well as trying to convey the meaning behind it from which I wrote (ie. “greener grass” being the ol’ standby for envy, etc.), I’m not certain which version works better.
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Both are fantastic though I like the title of the second.
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Thanks – I had considered leaving the title the same on both, but decided to also search for a synonym there, as well.
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Debi – I can’t seem to reply to your comment directly, but thank you. That you feel there is any glimmer of hope in either of these will be something I will hold onto….. ❤
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Oooo. I love the bleak sound of “fallow and frozen.”
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Have to go with De on this. Frozen and fallow works so well.
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To Memories
What do memories drink?
They drink of green,
of children’s hopes,
of crowning dreams,
of mirrors filled with summer
that ripen to its fall.
Memories whose shadows
grow across the wall,
still dazzled
when memories sip of dawn.
They drink of that and those
two little ones at play —
of mingled tears,
mingled laughter,
mingled strife,
Memories like two flowers
knocked together by the wind.
//
The original is posted at The Found Poetry Review’s April Challenge website: http://www.pomosco.com/conceptual/substitute-texter/what-do-kisses-drink/
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What an amazing and poetic piece! I could also see using “What do memories drink?” as your title, and writing from there. I remember the original and love it, but I actually am even more drawn to this rewrite.
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Oboyoboy, this is a beautiful poem, almost a lullaby.
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Both are wonderful. I do esp., love memories though.
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Ha! I commented on this on your blog earlier today, and didn’t even realize it was this exercise. Love it.
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Happy to know that, De!
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A great beginning! Welcome back, my Poetic Peeps! Enjoying the work so far, working on my entry and looking forward to read more! You ladies and gentlemen rock! Walt.
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Beautiful two poems. I really love the title, What do memories drink!
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We have a solid rock to bounce with. 🙂
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[…] for Phoenix Rising, based on an original poem for Found Poetry Review’s PoMoSco Month. The original is a […]
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[…] The Phoenix Rising Poetry Guild has challenged us to take one of the poems we wrote for PAD and revise it by exchanging some of our words with synonyms. I chose a poem I wrote for the Shakespeare prompt for PAD. That prompt was to use words created by Shakespeare and write a poem. I ended up deleting many of those words. (Sorry, William) It is striking how changing a few words can heighten (or lessen) the impact of a poem. Revision is the best friend of a poet. Although I know some poets who never need to revise. […]
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Great idea, Walt. I gave it a shot here: https://writingonthesun.wordpress.com/2015/05/04/revision/
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For me, these are six of one, a half-dozen of the other. Some changes improved the tenor; some decreased, as I read it. Most impressive for me was how the overall aura of the poem stayed the same.
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Thanks for commenting, William. I think this is a great exercise that I will definitely be utilizing with other poems.
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Torn between these two, but I like the revision better.
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[…] Phoenix Rising invites us to take an old poem and go all ninja synonym or antonym on it. I’ve chosen this […]
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Hi, gang. Happy to be here, and happy to be poeming at a slightly slower pace. 😉
new poem:
hollowness
i have moved
heaven and earth to hold
your invisible epithet
(tiny and turned to stone)
as my parlance for just this
moment, ample,
too spun out. But it
longs to overflow forth into
the earth,
a warbling of birds.
.
old poem:
futility
i have tried
to keep your secret
name small and still
on my tongue for such
a time and much
too long, but it
wants to spill out into
the world,
a song.
.
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I found myself wanting to substitute the ending of the first poem with the ending of the second, while liking the first (older) piece better. Both are thoughtful delights, though.
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What a fun idea, Bill. Mixy-matchy. 😉 Thanks.
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I agree with Wiliiam. Both well done.
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De, De, De!!!!! So good to see you here, and hear your beau-de-ful words! These do not disappoint, but I like the second one best. That’s hard to even figure out, since I’ve never read a piece you’ve penned that I wasn’t enthralled with. ❤
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Thank you, ma’am. Always.
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I had the same thought as Bill but once again, both are stunning.
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Love both, De. The original is the one I prefer — simple words creating beautiful images, a softness, a very lyrical tone. Love the ending!
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Goodness…De…these are both so beautiful…they have a gentle way but that also pierces the heart. Gorgeous!
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Here’s another attempt at this using the Naani prompt form the April challenge
Stars bathed in moonlight
Planets showered under the
Milky Way and we looked up
Voyeurs watching the show
————
Stars drowning in moonlight
Planets washed away with
The Solar System we turned
our faces to the ground
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Wow. Big changes in such a little piece.
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Very cool! Not knowing which was the original, I like the first best. 🙂
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The first one is the original 🙂
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I love “drowning in moonlight.”
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I love the first one, Candy.
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Both lovely. The first would be my choice too…
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A BRIDGE TO DAYLIGHT
There is a small window
where light and night converge.
We get this urge to ignore the transition
and take the position that day is day
and night is night; meeting twains
pass when darkness fades. In the shade
of a stone monolithic bridge there is a smidgen
of gray where the bright light is emitted.
You are committed to cross over into
the next tomorrow with joy! No sorrow
rests within its scope. You hope to bask
until dusk crossing over a bridge to daylight!
***Posted at The Poetry Park = Prompt #8 “You Can Get There From Here” – 26 Feb 2015
CROSSING OVER
A tiny aperture,
light and dark conjoined.
Longing to be the change,
knowing each dawning is mourning
and night is death’s ally.
Passing from phase to phase.
From the haze, a monument;
a link where they are engaged,
enraged with brilliance.
Your spirit seeks to cross
into that new day joyfully.
Sadness does not survive.
The bridge spans into that good night.
***Use Your Words – 5 May 2015
© Walter J. Wojtanik
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These are both beautiful. Once again, I think I like both versions equally, though I do like the flow of the first best. So, so poetic. *sigh*
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Both of these strike me as poems of acceptance, with the second, perhaps, taking Dylan Thomas along for the ride. I could read these all day.
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I always read your poetry with delight – and they are great lessons in this craft
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NICE. I love the word “aperture” so much.
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I’m definitely drawn to the first one and the internal rhyme. Love this line: “meeting twains
pass when darkness fades.”
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Each one has so many good images and phrasing. I’m going with second one.
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Both are well done. I am more drawn to the first, I like the flow and words, and resulting feel of it best.
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OK…the experiment I posted above was to use synonyms. Reading Debi’s contrasting images from using antonyms, I tried something different. Instead of USING antonyms, I wrote from a contrasting feeling…not my usual poetic-melancholy outlook…
DAWN OF HAPPINESS
(a shadorma)
Emerging
from her shadow, I’m
bathed in light
and lushness
of life. Behind me are the
days of discontent.
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It works! Nice.
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Awesome. Love this little slice of sunshine, Paula.
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For me, the contrasting sounds, light, lushness, as opposed to days, discontent, make this especially effective.
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oh yes! I would love to put those days behind me.
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Neat. I wanted to read “… leaving behind days of discontent.”
I like the “Freedom” your poem gives.
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Original Version − in response to PAD Day 30 prompt: “Bury the…”
DON’T BURY THE DREAM
By: Nurit Israeli
Don’t bury the dream. Not yet.
Don’t let it go into the dark of
night, recede into shadows,
vanish behind veils of fear
where could-have-beens hover.
Don’t let pallbearers pull
the dream away. Not yet.
Graveyards are filled with
dreams buried too soon,
for no rhyme nor good reason.
Don’t bury the dream. Not yet.
Move inward. Rewind. Dive
beneath the bruises. Recover
what you left behind when
wrong turns lead you astray.
Don’t bury the dream. Pull
it gently out of the embers of
smoldering pain. Hold it closely.
Feel it pulse through your body.
Let it bounce back to the center.
Don’t give up. Let the dream
rise like a phoenix and spark
your longings. Start there, at the
longings. Let the longings linger.
Let the yearnings lead.
Don’t bury the dream. Not yet.
Don’t let rough winds baffle
bluebirds of hope. Go past
the heartbreak to all that
is pure and wholesome.
Find a right way. Recover
the beauty. Weave good threads
into a tapestry of what can still be.
Restore. Adjust. Rebalance.
Devise a new ending.
Don’t bury the dream. Pause.
You are not done yet. It’s not time
for final farewells. Bring back the
moment just before the end began.
Don’t turn off the lights.
New Version − using opposite words (primarily: “Hold on” instead of “Don’t bury…”) and replacing words with their synonyms.
HOLD ONTO THE DREAM
By: Nurit Israeli
Hold onto the dream.
Don’t let it slip away,
recede into shadows,
vanish behind veils of fear
where could-have-beens hover.
Don’t let pallbearers pull
out the dream. Not yet.
Graveyards are filled with
dreams buried too soon,
for no rhyme nor good reason.
Hold onto your dream.
Move inward. Rewind.
Dive beneath the bruises.
Recover what was left when
wrong turns lead you astray.
Don’t drop a wounded dream.
Pull it out of the embers of
smoldering pain. Hold it close.
Feel it pulse through your body.
See it bounce back to the center.
Don’t give up. Let the dream
rise like a phoenix and spark
your longings. Start there, at the
longings. Let the longings linger.
Let the yearnings lead.
Hold fast. Summon the will.
Don’t let rough winds
baffle bluebirds of hope.
Go past the heartbreak
to all that is still right.
Find a way, even though.
Weave good threads into
a tapestry of what can still be.
Attune. Adjust. Amend.
Devise a new ending.
Hold onto the dream.
Pause. It’s not time yet for
final farewells. Bring back the
moment before the end began.
Don’t turn off the lights.
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Nurit, I simply LOVE this line:
“Don’t let rough winds
baffle bluebirds of hope.”
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Yes. I love the entire poem, but especially that line.
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Thanks De!
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Thanks, William!
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Nurit, these are such wonderful poems. I love your last line, and “attune, adjust, amend” for its simple forcefulness.
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Thanks, Sara!
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These are both such powerful pens, Nurit…I’d like to share a favorite portion…
“Find a way, even though.
Weave good threads into
a tapestry of what can still be.
I love that…speaks to me of salvaging and making good use of life. ♥
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From an older sister, Hannah… Even though and In spite have become my mantras…
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That’s so poetic in itself…sigh…I love it and thank you, Nurit. ♥
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The second on for sure. Positive. The first seems too heavy for me to connect with today.
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“Don’t turn off the light” – love it!
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Thank you, Candy.
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There are so many wonderful cup rewrites here, each version as expressive as the next. The purpose of this exercise was to do just that, give us a new perspective to our inspirations! Thanks for contributing and for your wonderful support. Walt
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No cups. 😜
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